Tom Sonday

Daughter Jessica’s boyfriend Travis says there are two kinds of people in this world:

• Those who have bobcatted, and
• Those who have not.

Travis declared this the end of last weekend … a weekend he spent bobcatting to level his backyard, while wearing farmer-esque clothes, and a huge grin on his face.

I learned of Travis’ joyful activity a day later, when I arrived in Atlanta.  Road weary, I just wanted to collapse on a couch and check my email, and maybe unwind to a little TV … but no.  In his happy bobcatting abandon,  Travis had taken out a few key utilities.

So, if you were wondering why I haven’t responded to emails until now, or posted on Tommy’s blob, it’s because there are really three types of people in this world:

Jess and I had planned to work on Travis’ house — stripping wallpaper, painting the guest bathroom, etc. throughout the week.  Because there was no electronic entertainment, I awoke the next morning and started ripping down the country duck print from the dining room with the enthusiasm of an office worker who rented a bobcat for the weekend.

When Travis returned from work that night, he was very appreciative that the faded, foul fowl print was smashed in the trash, and the bathroom trim had gone from moldy green to sparkling white.  But, he was concerned that I wasn’t enjoying my vacation.

Not at all.  Doing something, or more specifically — wanting to actually do something — was wonderful.

For the last month of so I’ve been in this lethargic state of apathy, broken up by occasional small bursts of energy where I clean out a drawer or closet, but often don’t get the contents sorted and restored before fatigue chews through me.

So, there’ll be 20 types of office supplies from a drawer in Tom’s office, dumped on the kitchen counter, and there they’ll sit, sucking the energy out of me with their tangible reminder that I have much to sort through and figure out and organize … and I don’t care.

My grief therapist tells me that such apathy is normal and part of the process, and not to worry.  (And I’m not worrying — that’s one of the blessings of apathy! )

So, it was surprisingly delightful to have focus and energy again, and a place to apply it (foul fowl wallpaper.)  I felt like those tender green shoots unfurling in the woods — I’ve been pushing and pushing and I felt surrounded by endless layers of dead leaves.  Ripping down wallpaper made me feel like something was finally broken through, and the sun and fresh air of interesting activity was very renewing.  But, like those green shoots, the sun of activity did wilt me over time … allowing me to also fall in bed early each night, exhausted as usual — but this time, exhausted because I’d actually accomplished something.

Such is grief.

By the end of Day #2, the lemon yellow bathroom walls were a calming blueish grey, and the paned windows painstakingly painted (and the paint scrapped off the glass.)  Again, such activity felt great, but along with errant paint splatters on the floor were errant emotions.   I so wished I could talk with Tommy about how great Jessica looks, about how she’s setting up a household and yelling at others for doing things she did as a kid (gasp!  Things spilled in the fridge and no one cleaned it up!)  I wanted to tell Tommy about the half inch of pollen that covers everything in Atlanta this time of year, and how he should be in the south as Spring exploded.

I felt real alone and real depressed a few times, because while Jessica is loved by many, no one loves (and knows) her like her parents, and this one feels incredible pride at seeing the young woman she’s become.  There’s no one else that wants to reflect ad nauseum about that with me.  The guy who so prominently molded her is gone.

But, life is what it is, so I’ve just gotta get through things, and know that a little bit of energy (finally!) is a good thing, and getting down that last-century wallpaper?  A great thing.

I need to hurry along the path toward figuring out my new life though, because the grief angst and apathy are causing my hair to go grey and white.

Or maybe that’s just paint splatters …